I’m sending this to anyone I currently have available which was a part, however significant, of my life. Definitely none of you (except the person who introduced me to tumblr, you know who you are, thanks you’re amazing; don’t forget it).
As far as I’m concerned, the world is bullshit. Ironically enough, the following words will be my last. If you’re now upset about the implications of that, please take a moment to calm down. Some of the closer people to me might attempt to attribute my choice to the recent issues I’ve gone through, but they would be wrong. That was merely what I consider to be “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” The real issue I have with the world is an issue of slight misanthropy. I am constantly surrounded by idiots. People who do not recognize the inherent value of any given merit. People who put personal pride ahead of justice. People whose greed and gluttony sickens me to the point of being physically ill. People who are more self centered and egotistical than I once believed any given human could be. I claim to know a lot. And in some relative circles, this is true. The entirety of my knowledge has led me up to this point, however. I am making a choice, and that choice is that I would rather no longer be here than live amongst this… filth. One of the things I’ve always hated was having to suppress my intelligence amongst my peers. Every now and then, I scared people with my take on things; I noticed it in their eyes. I have never felt like a true human, which of course means that I am. Even in this body, which I would consider to be healthy and fit, I do not feel at home. It’s hard for me to explain it in words, but trust me when I say not to worry; I’ll be doing better soon.
I was born in the wrong time. Perhaps one day the world will come together, looking past silly self-image, useless monetary gain, and all other irrelevancy which now escapes my mind. Perhaps then, I would humbly ask of the great scientific minds to duplicate my body. But, until that occurs, please let me rest. From stardust I was created, so it is only natural that to dust I return.
“Lady Justice has been raped.” If this weren’t the case, politics wouldn’t get in the way of people being fed. Normally, I would invite anyone to argue this point with me, but seeing as the current circumstances will be short-lived, there’s not much of a shot there.
“Who’d believe, with the way things are here, we’d be going anywhere telling people how to live? Who’d believe we’d spend more shipping drugs and guns than to educate our sons? Sorry, but that’s what they did.” Well, I too can’t help but think someone’s forsaken you and me. I live in a world which places the worth of personal desires and vanities beyond the worth of a human life. I live in a world consumed by war and advertisement. I live in a world where the top nation’s president has absolutely no chance of being elected should they publicly state their disbelief in a clearly man made god. I live in a world where it is more important to buy a fast car than to feed the young of our brethren. I live in a world where inter-specie conflict, not only hinders the very progress humanity needs, but is also sought after. Can you fucking believe that? We, for one reason or another, search for war. Don’t even get me started on holy wars. You would think that after so many billion years of evolutionary success things would be different. But as I already stated, we need more time. Additionally, we are STILL trying to fight for equal rights (on a social level or otherwise) for skin color, religion, sex, and sexual orientation. I still haven’t heard of a single good reason for why any of these matter one fucking little, tiny, single bit. Peace sells, but who’s buying? War, paid for by the misery of other people.
In my time on this earth, I have met less people that I truly respect and admire than I can count on one hand. Chances are pretty good that I was merely unlucky in this respect, but even so, that doesn’t detract from the feelings I’ve harbored because of it. I have always wondered, what kind of person would I have turned out to be had I been given more solid and positive influences?
Some may see this as giving up, or taking the easy way out. Well, it pretty much is. But I’m okay with that. Water takes the path of least resistance, as does electricity. I am no more of a natural force than these things are. I will take my place as it suits me. For those of you who know me, and perhaps even care about me, I want you to know that this decision is not a spur of the moment thing. It is a premeditated decision with much thought to back it. This is, in the simplest way, exactly what I want. On my other hand, I can most likely not raise every finger if I were to count how many lives will be truly affected by this. I sincerely apologize beforehand to those of you that it will. I’m sorry.
Mother, father, I have only ever resented you for two reasons. The first is that you never really treated me as an adult. In my life, I have seen more things than you are aware of. You were wrong to think I couldn’t handle it. You tried protecting me, and in that very shell you built, part of my person atrophied. The second is that I always knew you were burnt out after my two brothers. Now, however, I understand that and I do not hold it against you. I know you are only human. I always respected both of you despite what impressions my actions and words made against you.
Mamma, hai sempre detto che avevamo sangue spartano. Ti credevo sempre. Perche se non era vero, non sarei qui in questo momento. Grazie per avere provato.
Pa, I wish I had spent more time with you, but what son doesn’t think that of any half-decent father? One of my most memorable times with you was playing Zelda on our brand new N64 after a Christmas we had in Italy. The same one where I cut that guys hand with my pink Swiss army knife, remember? I wish we could have had more times like that.
Fratelli, volevo sempre essere come voi. Siete gran parte del motivo che ero sempre piu` avanzato della mia compagnia. Forse se ero un po piu stupido non sarei in questo dilema, pero` la situazzione e questa.
Fratello 1. Grazie per tutto. La passione per i motori, per Final Fantasy, per essere un duro quando serviva. Tutte qualita che mi hanno sicuramente servito molto bene negli anni.
Fratello 2. Grazie per tutto. La passione per la musica, per Diablo, per i punti di vista che non avrei mai visto se non fossi stato per te. Anche queste, qualita che negli anni mi hanno servito.
Friends: N/A. I have people I would call “friends,” but no one to truly be open to. I don’t see it as a bad thing; this is just an incompatibility I’ve been grateful to have at times. Would I have liked better company? Sure. Wouldn’t anyone?
Other person 1: I’m so, so sorry for all I’ve done to you. I hope you understand just how serious everything was for me. I’ve said it before, but I want to tell you that I know things would have worked if we were a bit closer. Hindsight is always 20-20, and no matter how much I wish for things to have happened differently, the truth of the matter is a cold, heartless void. And all those sweet and gentle words you said to me; I’ll never forget the way you looked and the way you looked at me.
Other person 2: I wish you were more mature, and maybe a tad bit smarter. The parts of you I liked drove me crazy already. I would’ve liked to see what a complete package of what I was looking for would’ve done to me on a personal level. You understood certain parts of me, perhaps more than anyone else I’ve ever met. Around you, I was at least partially understood. I guess this is why I cared so much.
Getting close to the end… I also want to apologize to anyone involved in the cleanup. I suppose it’s just your job, but… well, fuck it, sorry.
I don’t want to say something too crazy, but I have always felt like the most misunderstood person alive. If only I could transform my own feelings into something more understandable for people…
I really don’t feel like editing this, so don’t accept it all as my complete and final viewpoints and feelings. As I gained experience and knowledge, my viewpoints have changed. However, I have tried to be as close to my true feelings as possible with the short time I’ve had to write this. I’ve babbled a bit here and there, but overall it’s pretty close.
I wonder, do I get a say to what happens to my body after all’s been said and done? If so, I’d like to be frozen as soon as possible and shot into space in the direction which yields the most probability in encountering an intelligent alien life form. Pack me with some Rosetta stone software, the most up to date medical knowledge of the human body, and anything else someone much smarter than me should deem necessary. Maybe they can conjure something up with some weird alien technology.
Failing that, just do whatever costs less. Dump me in a sewer for some rats to gnaw on, or cut me up and feed me to some birds like bread. I really, really don’t give a shit. Either way, you won’t hear me complain. Furthermore, if I can even do this, I would like to leave everything I own to my first brother. I trust he will have the patience and will to deal with all of it. Sort it out however you see fit.
Finally, please remember this, as it’s probably the most important part: IT IS WHAT I WANT. THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. I WILL LEAVE THE WORLD WITH A SMILE. Do not ever fucking forget that. I fucking swear, if one single person sheds a tear of sorrow or grief over me, I’ll turn over in my proverbial grave so fucking fast that I’ll create a rip in the time/space continuum just to come punch you in your face, then I’ll die again just to piss you off.
I will leave you with an ever-so-cliché` poem I had written on my arm one night in a drunken daze.
Another statistic I’ll become
as I watch the world become undone.
Do not shed a tear for me;
this will only set me free.
I walk the line alone
between solace and sadness.
And I’ve been called crazy,
but they don’t know madness.
